LIBERATICUS!

Abraham Lincoln was a wizard. I don't mean that in the "oh my gosh he did such wonderful things" way--I mean he had a wand and slung magic.

Think about it. Tall guy. Slender build. Tall hat. Beard. That suit--just a disguised wizard's robe.  "Four Score and Seven Years Ago?" Who measures time this way? WHO?

Wizards, that's who.

And then there's his name. ABRAham Lincoln. Abracadabraham Lincoln.

With a Knob Set Right in the Center

     I awoke today to find that my belly-button had a tiny little green door in it. I don't know how it got there or when. It seems like I'd have noticed when they installed the hinges. At any rate, I woke up and Carly was knocking on it, trying to send my little belly-hobbits on some sort of adventure. They were having none of it. They gave her a sound "Good day!" and slammed the door shut.

     A quick shower and a stiff gin later and all was well.

     It is hard to crush a tiny hobbit in your fist, but it's doable with enough gin.

On Capes

A jet pack is just an upgrade of a cape- it's the same thing except it's on fire and can actually fly.

Guest Cat Ghost Comic

   From the desk of our friend at Shit I Drew at Work:

   It would seem that Ghost Cat is causing trouble all over the place!

 

Things American Propaganda has Removed from the History Books

        

    In traditional American history classes, students are taught that Spanish conquistadors conquered and pillaged Central America during the 15-through-1900s. This is not the case. In truth, Cortez and his men were driven back to sea almost immediately by natives armed with an awful lotta axolotl atlatls. 

Fig. 1

The axolotl is loaded into the atlatl.

Fig. 2

The atlatl provides increased leverage, allowing the user to 

throw an axolotl much farther than they normally could.

Fig. 3
The axolotls proved willing ammunition for the natives.



     It's the truth, mang. Just ask your pop.

The Biggest Fucking Snowflake Ever

A Proposed Children's Book

Colubrid Physiogomy

It is a misconception that snakes consume their prey for sustenance. In fact, the internal cavity of a snake is entirely filled with still-living mice that it has swallowed whole, and whose tiny scurrying feet propel the serpent forward.